Family comes first

Words can't describe what we are going through. Ill go into detail more when I'm ready, but as for now I'll keep it to a minimum. My mom gave me this ring a few years back. It means so much to me, especially now that I need a reminder everyday to keep having faith, hope, and love. To have faith we will overcome this and get through it. Have hope things will be back to normal once again. Most importantly to love God and my family unconditionally. I may not need a reminder to love God and my family, but I do need to always remember without these two I have nothing. To be closer to God and not abandon him anymore or only think of him when needed. I had started going back to church and it felt wonderful. The only place I feel protected. Due to the circumstances I wasn't able to keep going Sunday mornings, but once this is over I will devote myself again to the church. They've been with us for years and of course they are like family. I remember being very little and my mom taking us to this church and I would sing my heart out. I always loved how this church was full of happiness. As I got older we would still go but I started distancing myself little by little. By the age of 20 I think I stopped going completely. I don't want to go through that again for Gods not only there when you need him. If I ever have kids I hope I'll do the same as my mom did for me. This is not even about turning religious, it's about showing God your love and devotion towards him. I also hope when I look back at this I've kept my promise and not let him down. I was told if you pray and pray but you don't give anything back, they're just words being thrown into the air. Well I'm done asking & asking and me not giving anything back. That's why I feel going back to church and donating my time and whatever I can help with will not only make me feel better, but it will also make that person who may not have any help from anyone feel 10xs better. 

I don't ever care to mention places I donate to since I feel good deeds are left unsaid, (but since this journal isn't publicly published and I'm the only reader) it felt really good donating to cancer society and the children's foundation to help find a cure. I also plan to donate my time once my mom is back to normal. I see so many people with cancer alone at the infusion center that it breaks my heart. Here I am with my mom and them telling me I am doing such a great thing for her while they have no one just breaks my heart into pieces. Nobody should be alone through this. It's scary as hell to me and to just imagine what they are feeling... That's why I want to devote my time in helping them in whatever way I can. So glad I've been educating myself through all of this because I've learned so much and I know I can help anyone. 

As for my job I have no idea what will happen. To be honest I don't even give a shit for it. I'm not happy there and I sure don't want to be stuck there all my life miserable. That's the least of my worries though.

 Well I've been wanting to start a benefit for my mom since this came unexpected and I want her to not have to worry about bills or anything, and thanks to such great friends its finally going to happen. People you least expected anything from have been beyond helpful. People are always telling me if we need anything to let them know, we don't ask for anything but for just prayers. If anyone out of their own good will wants to still help, we accept any help possible. As for us for us asking, the thing is whoever wants to help will help. I don't believe I should ask, may seem rude but honestly its true. This lady I babysit for kept telling me to please let her know if we needed anything. We honestly didn't need much but to feel comforted by family & friends. Well she still went ahead and helped financially and cooked us a home made meal. I couldn't even remember the last time we had ate like that. It was so hard to cook anything in the beginning with all of this going on but that must of been the sweetest thing anyone had done for us. I'm very great full for her. People don't understand that little stuff like this helps out so much compared to us asking. It's a nice simple gesture that really brings a smile to our face from such a shitty day. My friend is always asking me to let her know what I need. I feel bad cause I know she wants to help but she has a million problems herself that I feel I can't even help her to begin with. I'm sure people should understand I'm not trying to be mean, I just don't have anytime for anything. 

My family comes first to me. I'd rather be taking care of my mom then out having a "good" time. Other people may cope with it differently. I for one could care less for trying to get away from problems. I know my mom is scared for her life. Why should I be the one out trying to deal with it when it's her going through it? I really don't get people to say they are depressed and yet you see them out constantly. Last night was the first time in a very long time I went out to dinner. My sister stayed with my mom so I could have some time with Jesus. She's always going out so I said ok ill take it. I invited my sister in law since I know her husband is out on military duty. Gotta say it felt really good spending time with my Muñoz family. They have been there for me I am beyond great full. 

My mother in law calls me frequently to check up on us and she likes to surprise us with home cooked meals also made by my father in law. I have so much support from them. These people mean the word to me. I may sound like a bitch for not wanting to hang out with friends but if they put themselves in my shoes they'd understand better. I don't even have time for myself to begin with. Whatever extra time I have I much rather spend it with my family who needs me right now. Friends can wait, if not then their loss. I came across this on tumblr and I know there's other people out there who completely understand what we are going through. 

Exactly how I feel. I don't care about ANYTHING in the world right now. Only thing I give a damn about is my mom being cancer free. Everything else can wait. I prob won't feel like this if thing progress, but for now I do. I am perfectly fine with it.